True confessions...
True confessions time...this will either come as a shock to you or you'll be heaving a sigh of relief that I'm being so boldly honest on this blog... I didn't want to move to New Zealand. I know, I know... and before you pick up those stones, take a little stroll in my shoes. The past 7 years or so for our family have not been exactly the easiest. We haven't lived anywhere longer than 2 years and often we've moved several times in a year! We've had to say goodbye to 3 of 4 parents/grandparents and there's no way I could outline the financial craziness! It's been a challenging, hard, crushing, dark, hard, uphill, hard, tear-filled, hard road. So about the time that Daniel felt like God was "calling" our family to volunteer with Torchbearers overseas, I was feeling like "over my dead body." With great reluctance and not a small amount of muttering and teeth gritting we packed up everything once again. But if you think for one minute that I didn't thrash through every second of the last 17 months you'd be wrong. What does it mean to thrash? To hit (something) hard and repeatedly: struggle in a desperate or unfocused way to do something. If you were to ask me why I thrashed so hard it would be because I wanted to be in control of my life... to have my say and definitely my way! And to be honest, I felt fairly entitled to it! After all, it is my life... isn't it?
Enter stage left one little word: surrender. In other words, capitulation, submission, yielding, giving in, succumbing, acquiescence, laying down of arms. Laying down of arms? Are you kidding me? I was armed to the teeth...I had reason, very rational and logical thought on my side! No way was I going to just lay those babies down! How would I survive? Who was going to do the fighting? This life isn't a cake walk you know! But there it was, an offer... a hand extended... surrender. So I stood back from it for awhile and I thought, "What am I fighting for? What am I so desperate not to lose?" When I really examined it, it came down to control. Even knowing that any bit of control I think I have is an illusion and can be stripped from my hands in any given moment doesn't lessen how much I crave it. I'll take the illusion please. But it is exhausting, this fight for control... and kinda pointless. So in the end, I laid it down... surrendered. And here's the crazy thing. Upon surrender, the handing over of the whole heart in it's entirety... messy, wounded, worn out pulse that it is, I was given His in exchange! I just heaped all that control craving, thrashing, anger, desperation, you name it ... all the yuck went into a pile and I left it with the Father. He took it. Gave me His strong, capable, whole and life-giving heart in trade. That's trading up!
So today is life easy... smooth? Am I daily gliding along on rose petals of beauty and grace while nodding graciously to my fellow man, a picture of poise and ease? Hmmm. I'm guessing I don't really have to answer that. Do I have more peace in my soul? Yes. Does it mean there is no struggle? No. Surrender is not just a one time deal. It's an ongoing process of laying it down {whatever the "it" of today is}. “One does not surrender a life in an instant. That which is lifelong can only be surrendered in a lifetime.”
― Elisabeth Elliot So if you're wondering what I'm up to these days, it is this. Walking out today. Trusting He is enough for today. One day at a time.
